Project MotherHOOD with Rebecca Rosario
I'm a single working mom to a beautiful 7 year old boy named Angel. Though his father and I are no longer together, Angel's father and I have been successfully co-parenting for over 3 years. It's important that my son know he is loved and that we are a family even if we no longer live together anymore.
1. Motherhood is different for all of us, how do you feel Motherhood has been different for you?
Motherhood has shifted the lens through which I see the world. It is no longer about how things look, feel and can potentially impact me...it is about how it will look, feel and impact my son. It has opened up my heart in a way that I never imagined and I feel so much more of the world as a result. Becoming a mom has also given me the gift of experiencing all of life's "firsts" through his eyes. I got to relive the wonder of taking your first steps, trying chocolate for the first time, falling off a bike for the first time, learning to read...and there are so many more to come that I can't wait to experience with him.
2. What was something you learned about yourself that only you could have learn from being a Mother?
I learned the power of unconditional love, both to give it and to receive it. The willingness to do anything and everything you can to ensure the happiness and safety of another person and the incredible joy that comes from seeing another person happy.
3. We do our best and can't do it all. Where do you allow yourself to be unapologetic as a Mother?
As a mother I have occasionally felt this pressure to be perfect, to have it all put together and done right. Over the years I have learned that striving for that "perfection" was actually taking the focus away from just being the best mom I could be so I have learned that effort is more important than perfection.
I think that regardless of how far we have come as a society with regards to women's rights, we are still so far behind with regards to mother's rights. The right to have a bad day, the right to feel frustrated and the right to get it wrong. I felt a physical push to have it all together from the moment he was born. I had to know exactly what he needed at all times and be ready with a remedy to all of his needs which more times than not meant that my own needs were disregarded. There is also a very clear distinction between what is expected of mothers and fathers. This disparity became even more clear after I separated from Angel's father. I received no praise for being a single working mom who spent her days caring for the mental well being of others and coming home each night to then put all my energy towards my son. While on the flip side his father was constantly patted on the back for being a "good dad" which was quantified by him seeing his son every other weekend. If I needed a night out to regain some of my womanhood that was lost to motherhood, I was seen as neglectful as are many single mothers.
My "a-ha" moment came when I looked in the mirror and realized I did not recognize the woman looking back at me. I was depressed to the point of letting my weight balloon to nearly 200 pounds and I looked generally unkempt. At the same time the social anxiety I had felt for a long time finally started to get to me. I used to be a very social individual, I loved having conversations with people and just being around strangers, but at that point I wasn't even comfortable around close friends because I had allowed my role as a mother to eclipse all other parts of who I was. I'm ashamed to admit that this made me start to resent being a mom and that is what finally made me take steps to create a better balance in my life. I knew a more balanced life would make me a happier person which would in turn make me a happier and better mom.
To make the change I started to see a nutritionist so I could learn how to eat healthier, I started asking for help from family and had very honest conversations with Angel's dad about equity and a better balance of our roles. I also shifted my perspective about what it meant to be a single mom and gave myself permission to have a life outside of work and motherhood. I actively sought out my friends and opportunities to be social. Finally, I returned to therapy so I could continue exploring and working on myself as both a woman and a mother.
4. How has Motherhood inspired you?
Motherhood has inspired me to take joy in the simple pleasures. Snuggling in bed reading books or walking through the park, its the little things that matter. Those are the things he will remember.
5. What's your favorite beauty must do when you are feeling exhausted on the inside and on the go?
My favorite beauty must do is getting manicures. We do so much with our hands and I instantly feel more put together and beautiful when my hands look good.
6. One of two: A note of compassion you want to offer a Mother reading this. Preferably something that might/could have been comforting to you at one point of time. OR Note to self.
To any mother who has ever felt that they are doing it wrong, being judged or just feels they have no clue how to raise a happy, well adjusted child, I would tell them to go easy on themselves. Being a mom is by far the most important job in the universe, yet there is no training, so we are all just making decisions as we go which can be absolutely terrifying. Learn to trust your gut. It is those instincts that have allowed mothers to raise their children since the beginning of time. Though it is the most important job, it's equally important not to take it so seriously and to allow yourself to enjoy the journey because it goes by so quickly. Remember that your children will not remember the things you bought them, they will hold on to the time you spent with them. Don't forget that as many hopes and dreams we may have for them, we must let our children find who they are and what will make them happy without fear of judgement or disappointment. And above all, show and tell them you love them as much and as often as possible.
Thank you Rebecca!
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