Project Motherhood with Kebatta Tracy
Motherhood was always this stage in life that I internally felt would elude me (I'm not sure why--sort of how people are afraid of getting good things in life)
Anyway, when I first got pregnant I was TERRIFIED to bits and when I shared it with close friends their excitement was overwhelming. Oddly enough it was also around this time I found how many women were struggling with infertility. Odd how you become sensitive to certain topics when you begin to experience them.
My pregnancy was seamless---very few issues except for a tough first trimester which I found out was the norm. When my little guy entered the world it was such a mixed bag of emotions. FEAR, TERROR, JOY (he was healthy), EXCITEMENT (finally I'm a mom) etc.....
Then the real work started. The first 6 months I had no idea who I was. It was a constant rotation of bottles,diapers, fear (is he ok, am I ok), diaper, bottle, nap---only to get up and do it all again. I had no family and was super overwhelmed with not knowing what to do yet at the same time maintaining appearances of I had it all together. Apt clean, food cooked, outfits picked out, hair nails done but inside I was falling apart. I could never cry as everyone was like well what do you have to complain about? And truly I had very little-BUT I had no idea who I was. It seems shallow and I'm even slightly ashamed writing this down BUT at times it wasn't what I wanted...and I felt immense guilt.
Today, I get those feelings less & less. Its been a slow marathon...just when I feel I'm about to lose it I get cheered on or someone I bump into says your doing great (your son looks great) and keeps me going for several more weeks. I notice the early years everyone checks on the child but truly they should be checking on the mom. If she's not together baby certainly isn't together!
Since my son came into the world I realized that not just myself but everyone can do anything they put their mind to. I will admit I loved a good sleeping in as much as the next person-and I always complained that I didn't have enough time in the day to do all the things I needed to do. Now I realize all that was just an excuse. I've had days where my son wakes up at the crack of dawn, dealt with feedings, emergency room scares, meal preps, gym and meetings.
Motherhood has made me realize and appreciate the notion of taking each day as it comes. For a Type A personality thats a tough concept. You can try and plan out weeks in advance but the beauty is in planning out each day- not just for moms but for humans in general. Each day is a gift. Make it count and pat yourself on the back for every accomplishment no matter how small. It took me to become a mother to realize that!