Project MotherHOOD with Lisa Vento

I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 39 years old without a lump, family history or any "risk factors". My kids were 6 and 9 at time of diagnosis. I had been in my life an educator, executive and entrepreneur but nothing prepared me for being a cancer patient. During treatment, I lost my job and also my voice. I had always been vocal and shared many things on social media with my small business, The Next Step (thenextstep1234.com; IG @thenext_step123) but with cancer, I felt I could not share it, I hated the pity and the baldness and the tiredness and I was ashamed to have gotten sick. In the summer of 2017, I finally began to share my story, anonymously at first but then I went public in late July and it has helped me so much and also has helped others as over 2000 people a week are on my blog and I have made lifelong friends with some of them. I am the lucky one to have met these people but I still hate cancer and wish no one got it.

How has the term Mother change for you, prior to being diagnose with cancer to afterwards?

Motherhood has changed so much for me in terms of the "old me" and the "new lopsided me" (I had a right mastectomy, no reconstruction). The old me was extremely over protective and controlling of who spent time with my kids and how. It was a bit over the top but I did not know any other way to be due to some weird circumstances that left me being the primary caregiver of the kids, despite having other family members "around". When I got sick, I could not continue to be as involved as I was and people stepped up and helped and the amazing thing was I let them and I mentally was able to let go a little bit. What I thought would be the worst thing ever was actually very healthy and helpful for me and my kids. They worried that I wasn't able to do stuff BUT they were distracted by being able to do more with other people and having a community rally around them of friends, family and more. I learned the hard way that not taking care of myself, putting my needs last can be disastrous and if I am not healthy, everything is extremely hard. Getting cancer (thanks a lot universe) helped me see that I had been pushing myself too hard and that I need to take care of me, too, in order to be there for my kids.

Motherhood is hard for all of us, what part of your journey has been particularly difficult for you?

It was really hard to tell my kids I got sick. I told them right before my surgery as I was going to be overnight in the hospital and coming home with drains and missing a boob. It is impossible for a 6 and 9 year old to not notice that, you know? I sat them down at my dining room table and told them that although it sounds bad, it is really good news that the doctors found cancer in my breast and that I would be going to the hospital to get it out to be healthy again. My daughter's first question was, "Are you going to die?" and of course I said, "No" but the other really hard thing about motherhood is knowing that there is no true answer to the question, "Mom, are you going to die?" as no one knows the future. In my heart, I believe I will be here and NOT die from cancer but in life, there are no guarantees.

How do you balance your time between children, work and taking care of you?

I am unemployed so work is not something I have to balance, yet.I am looking for the right next step for me where I can be in an organization that values its employees and allows for growth. I am a writer and am interested in using my writing skills more in my next step. I balance my time now in job hunting, writing, advocacy work, non profit volunteer work and the children, the home, my relationship with my husband and my friends. I recently filed paperwork to be a non profit using my writing skills to help people who have had to take time off of work or got fired during their cancer plot twist be "work ready" again. I try to put myself first and to always practice self care, which for me is writing, networking, spending time with friends and just being LISA and not just "mom".

One of two: A note of compassion you want to offer a Mother reading this. Preferably something that might/could have been comforting to you at one point of time. OR Note to self.

Note to other moms: It is so important to put yourself first. I never got this and I am sorry for all of the judging I did as the old me - a mom who did nothing for myself, who I guess loved to be a "martyr". You have to do the things you need to do to stay sane, to be you and to remember you are still you even when being a mom consumes all of your time and thoughts and energy, particularly when the kids are really young or at the "evil teenage" years. This includes taking care of yourself mentally, physically, socially and more. I will NEVER thank cancer for anything but without it, I never would have remembered to love me and to put myself first so I guess I have to accept it gave me one "good" thing (but it can still go jump off a cliff).

Please share your message with our readers about the importance of getting a mammogram.

Every time I told a woman about my diagnosis, they all said the same thing, "It has been so long since I had a mammogram" or "I never had a mammogram" and I want to spend a minute advocating for women to take the time to take care of themselves. It can be so hard to go for these tests - I went every year from 35 until I was diagnosed at 39 thinking I was wasting my time but I went anyway and thank God I did. There is confusion over when screening should start with many organizations saying at age 40 or 50 or whatever crazy age - my insurance covered it starting at 35 and that is the only reason I went. I was diagnosed at 39 at a 6-month follow up because the previous mammogram had shown "microscopic calcification in the duct" which had a 98% chance of staying benign. When I went for the follow up of that calcification, it was cancer and a few weeks later when I was operated on at Sloan, I was Stage 3A meaning the cancer tumor was 5.6cm and 5/25 lymph nodes had cancer in them. It was THAT FAST. I felt healthy, my blood work had just been done and it was perfect yet cancer was in my body and moved pretty dang fast from microscopic to Stage 3A cancer. Know your body, if something feels off, get it checked. If you are of the age to start mammograms and if your insurance covers them, please go and get them. If your insurance does not cover them and you think you need one, there are community resources in most areas that provide free ones. 1 in 8 women are diagnosed with breast cancer in their lives and the amount of women being diagnosed under 40 is rising. May you never be the 1 in 8.

Lisa Vento (Nielsen)

Breast Cancer Blogger & Advocate

http://www.thetimebetweenis.weebly.com

Instagram: @thetimebetweenis